arym.

I’m so lost. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I already know what I want to do with you, but I’m just too scared to do it. Then when I talk to you, I just feel like .. I still like you. Maybe I’m lying to myself. Maybe when I did tell others that I was over you, I really didn’t mean it. What the heeeeck. Why am I like this? I hate having conversations with you, because they just always make me happy. But why should that matter when I know we’ll never be? You ruin everything, seriously. 

I hate when I feel like someone secretly hates me. Then they’ll ‘like’ my stuff I write to other people on FB and you know they truly DON’T like it. I mean forreal tho? You’re cool. -__-

I knew this would happen. I guess people truly do change. People don’t know the meaning of friendship anymore, and they think they can just fuck around like it’s nothing. But I’m not gonna put up with that anymore, sorry. Don’t you dare tell me I’VE changed, because I haven’t. The only reason I’ve been hanging out with a new crowd is because your sorry ass hasn’t been acknowledging that I’m even here. That’s why I can only keep TRUE friends to a select few now. But it’s okay. I’m not hurt, I’m not gonna beg for anyone back, and I could care less. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m moving on from past friendships. At least the people I chill with now have some decency and actually care. 

I hate how we never see each other. It’s the worst part of everything. And I never even bother/try to ask any friends to drive me ALL the way out there just to come see you, because I don’t like ‘using’ people even if I have money to pay them. And you’re just always busy, so it seems. Trust, I’m not giving up just quite yet. But it feels like I could easily fall for someone that lives way closer, any minute. I’m not saying that I will, but there are possibilities. How am I supposed to have faith and make us grow stronger when I’m having more bonding time with others rather than you? I just don’t even know. 

I swear, I am so sappy when it comes to you. I know I don’t show it around people, but that’s only because I don’t want people to think I’m attached to you. It’s like every single day I look forward to talking to you and if that doesn’t happen, I get really upset. Sigh. 

So, I was watching True Life and this has got to be the saddest episode I’ve seen yet. It’s about these families who literally have no money. Yes, they have a roof over their head, but it’s getting to the point where they’re on the verge of losing their homes. The parent’s have no jobs, yet they keep searching for one but they’re not having much luck. The teenagers are trying their best to support their family, but things are still tough. There’s this one family and the girl’s dad started crying because he couldn’t find a job and his daughter was disappointed. That right there seriously made me tear up. I would HATE to see my dad cry over having no job. This just made me realize how fortunate I am to see my parents working decent jobs and for us to occasionally get things we want. One family in the episode went to a festival and their youngest son couldn’t even ride any rides because that’s how broke they were. Oh man, things like this make me feel so bad sometimes. 

-So, I regained a steady friendship with my ‘boy’ again. It’s funny how it began though. This morning we were on really bad terms. Then I come out the shower to him just on my stairs asking if we could talk. And when it was supposed to be a serious matter, we BOTH laughed it off. I’m glad we’re on good terms now. I hope it stays this way.

-I seriously LOVE Gloria. I would definitely have to say she’s one of my bestfriends now. She actually puts effort & makes me feel like I have decent friends. I feel like she’s the only one who has time for me nowadays. Looove her. <3

-I got to see my bestfriend, Jig today! I know we didn’t get to chill much .. but I’m still glad I saw her. I really hope things get better for the both of us. 

-I finally talked to my boo on the phone since Thursday? or Wednesday? I like him. Oh, and I miss him a lot too. But I get to see him tomorrow. [: 

-The goons came to visit today. I was happy about that. I missed ‘em. But I think I kind’ve hate seeing you. Not that I still have feelings, it just brings me back to the day where stuff happened. And I’d rather not remember when your ass did me wrong. It’s okay tho, just friends is where I’d like to remain.

-I love big family/friend get togethers. We haven’t had one of those in forever. It just makes me feel the bond/connection with everyone. Not to sound all sappy, but I feel like I’m just so grateful for all the family/friends I have. 

I like you, I do. But maybe we should have just talked a little longer. Maybe I wasn’t ready for this. Maybe I was a little too excited. Maybe I thought everything was gonna be just perfect. But who am I kidding? Honestly, I don’t feel the connection due to the distance that’s between us. Don’t get me wrong, whenever we talk, I’m happy. Whenever we chill, I’m happy. Whenever you’re in my presence, I’m happy. But you’re not available 24/7, nor do I expect you to be .. but how am I supposed to be happy then? No, I’m not saying I expect to rely on you for my happiness. But with the numerous other ‘hoes’ I hangout/talk to everyday, it’s like I forget all about us. Hmmm. :/

- Now that’s too fucking true. If only people realized that. 

I’m done putting up with friends who can’t put in a mutual effort into what a ‘friendship’ really is. I’m tired of being the one always trying to carry a conversation, always trying to plan days to hangout, or always trying to keep the friendship growing. When in return, all I receive is the same bullshit all the time. I thought I only set myself up for letdowns when it came to boys. But I guess friends can work in the same exact way. I know who I need, and maybe you’re just not one of them.

I think my meanness comes off as a way of flirting sometimes. I don’t know if I’m the only one who does that, but I know I sure do that. I think it’s my method of making it not obvious that I like you/still like you. I’m not tryna make it seem like I don’t like you, try to joke around with you, hate you, or anything of that sort. It’s just the fact that I hate how things ended and things didn’t work out/never will work out, ya know? The other day I gave this boy I really liked over the summer the meanest stank look ever. I mean, of course I was kidding. But it’s my way of saying, “Oh I hate you, but still somewhat have feelings/had feelings for you.” I don’t literally hate the person, just the way things turned out/will turn out. Or maybe I’m just weird and just mean in general. I sure hope not. 

I’m starting to care less about my weight. Not that I’m gonna slack off, eat a shitload of food, and be a fatass pig .. BUT after hearing some things, it makes me less self-conscious about my body. After talking to a couple guy friends, and talking about how fat I feel and how I want to become more skinny, they tell me I have the perfect body. “Stick girls aren’t the shit. Girls with a little meat in them is always better.” — This made me feel a whole lot better about myself. Then again, this is only their opinion. Then I begin to over-analyze things and ask, “Oh, what if he doesn’t think the same way as they do?” Womp. 

The more I think about it, the less we have in common. The more I think about it, we’ve drifted more than you could imagine. The more I think about it, I don’t even know who you are anymore. The more I think about it, I don’t even know what to consider you as anymore. Bestfriend? Friend? Possibly acquaintance? Who knows. 

I think I’ve been hanging out with the wrong crowd lately. I mean, they’re chill, know how to have a good time, and just nice to be around. But now I’m always getting these sudden urges to want to get more of it each day. Then when the day is done and over with and I haven’t got any of it, I feel really unsatisfied. I don’t know. Sigh.

This is really random, but I feel the need to tell the world how much I love Gloria Morales. Like seriously. I am so happy I moved back to Salem, and became mad close with this girl. In the little time we’ve known each other, I can definitely say I tell AND trust her with everything. We’ve gone through some deep shit, but nothing like that will ever happen again. She’s just so easy to talk to, and she understands me the most. She’s taught me to actually stand up for myself sometimes. And the times spent with her, I’m always having a blast. I think I even became less shy because of her. I just love how I’m so comfortable around her. She’s the best, end of story. <3

So I had the weirdest dream last night. I actually smoked, and I was with my bestfriend. My throat was all dry, but the sad thing was .. I really liked it. Gasp. I think this means something. Time to get lit ! 

LOL jk. Never will I ever. Just thought I’d share my dream tho. [:

I am no longer going to put effort into a friendship because apparently I’m too ‘clingy’. You want to chill, you can make the moves. I’m just gonna sit here and breeze through life, waiting for people to come to me. I’m gonna let everyone call/text me and I’ll expect plans to be made. I won’t ever talk to you first, you come talk to ME first. —Because this is what a friendship is all about. It’s about one person putting for the effort, while the other could care less. Right? /Sarcasm.

Wrong. Last time I checked, a friendship deals with both partners putting forth equal effort. Pardon me for wanting to become closer, pardon me for trying to ‘rekindle’ what we had, pardon me for not being the perfect friend and making occasional mistakes. Because I just can’t do anything right, correct? 

I’m done with the sappiness. There’s no reason to beg for something back when I’ve already tried to set things straight. You lose some, you win some. And this isn’t my loss this time, it’s yours. Goodbye.